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I would like to talk about a serious problem. Something so rampant and so disturbing that there should be a slew of 501(c)3 non-profit organizations dedicated to eradicating it, or maybe a telethon:
Waiting for my femme to get ready.
Seriously. I feel like I spend half my life waiting for her to be ready. Ok, that’s an exaggeration, it’s probably only a quarter of my life. But. Still.
Let me paint the picture for you.
We are going out for the evening, meeting some friends for cocktails, at say, 8:00. (Don’t laugh, we are old and can’t be going out at 10!) Both of us are in the bedroom/bathroom getting ready.
if we do this at the same time, I will be ready in about half the time as my femme. Then, it’s time for me to wait.
And wait ... and ... wait.
Over the years, I have developed several strategies for dealing with this excess time spent waiting.
Of course, the most ideal result would be to speed her up. So, I have tried offering any assistance that I could to help – getting clothes out, running to the car for make-up, fishing a bra out of the laundry, packing up the car – anything that might reduce her prep time - and all to no avail.
It's not that she doesn't appreciate it, she does. I think the bottom line though, is that she needs 45 minutes to an hour to get ready, no matter what. This is true whether we are getting ready for a black-tie affair, or a quick trip to Starbucks.
Really. 45 minutes to an hour. What takes so long? She is already gorgeous. Hair, face, clothes. Always.
Why doesn’t it take longer to do the black tie "evening glamour" make-up and dressing, than it does the "every day" Starbucks prep? It’s an enigma.
Anyway, she does not appreciate being rushed. "Are you rushing me?" I am asked when I innocently offer to do something for her during her prep routine. "No, no, honey, of course not."
Another strategy is to just wait. I give her a head start.
During this period, I take the time to catch up on Facebook, read a magazine, or just "guy out" (guy out: the state of being in personal bliss by not thinking of anyone or anything, being unresponsive to questions, or having a slightly dopey look on one’s face).
Then, as soon as she starts putting on her make-up, after her hair is done, I get in the shower. Somehow, though, this still does not do it. Again, what takes so long?
By the way, I should note that this has – on occasion – back-fired.
Once or twice, as hard as it is to imagine, she has been ready before me when I take this approach. Perish the thought! Oh, and does she ever relish in this. "I’d just like to point out that I am ready … before you." Ugh.
She says that it’s part of being a girl. She is right and that’s probably why I do not get it. Any other butches out there tired of waiting for your femmes? Any guys out there tired of waiting for your girls? Is it just our lot in life to wait? Well, so be it.
ButchOnTap is written by "Butch Jaxon," a fledgling writer who has been a lesbian her whole life. Butch was raised in San Diego and is an accomplished lawyer. She loves to write, play any kind of sport or game, consume any kind of entertainment, and is frequently found drinking lattes in a bookstore or discovering new beers at local micro-breweries. You can get additional drafts of Butch at her blog, ButchonTap.com. You can visit also visit and like Butch on Facebook. To tell Butch what you think, email her at firstname.lastname@example.org or comment below.