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Letting go is hard to do

Letting go is hard to do. We often get wrapped in certain people, things and events that are just so hard to shake. One of my goals for the new year, new decade, and new period in my life (my 30’s begin this May!), was to confront the things that I am so attached to and release them. Now that we are one month into 2010, I thought I would do a little self check-up and see how well I am doing.

I definitely let go of my obsession with going to the gym five days a week. I got lazy around the holidays, cancelled sessions with my personal trainer for three weeks, and ate a lot. I suppose this was not a good thing. I did, however, feel confident enough to wear practically nothing at Rich’s a couple of weeks ago (as discussed in my last column), but looking back at the photos, it wasn’t the best idea. Typically, people make fitness resolutions at the new year, but as I vowed to live a more “at peace” lifestyle, my gym time sort of got cut out. That will change today.

One major life change that occurred for me at the start of 2010, was moving out of the house that my (now ex-) boyfriend and I had lived in for the past four years. I had come to love this house and developed so many memories there. It was a beautiful home, not only physically but also because of the feeling that I got when I was there. My ex and I shared so many good times there, including a number of amazing parties, brunches, events, and meetings with friends. Some people thrive on moving around – I prefer to travel frequently, but stay grounded in consistent home. In fact, I had only lived in two houses my entire life (both in San Diego) – the one I grew up in, and the one I just moved out of.

I did not think it would be such a big deal to move out, as my ex and I were not getting along very well. Towards the end of last year, for the most part I stopped coming home with any sort of frequency because I wanted to avoid the inevitable conflicts which were taking place. But now that I am absolutely out, I do not even want to see the house because I am having such a hard time separating from it. I have had to go back “home” a few times to pick up some items I left behind and each time I leave, I feel angry and sad. While I like the roommate we shared the house with and the new person that moved in after I left, I do not even like to see them out and about because it reminds me of this special place I once called home. My friends, trying to comfort me, remind me that it is just a “house” – but I remind them that a house is also a “home.” That home was very special to me.

I am staying with my grandmother until next month when my new “house” is ready to move into. I might just be feeling this way because I feel sort of transient right now. Certainly, my grandmother’s house also holds a dear place in my heart (it does have many great childhood memories associated with it- plus my grandma does all my laundry, cooks, cleans, and its all rent free), but it just does not feel like my own. I keep reminding myself that I have a lot of life yet to live, and will soon settle into a new house, that will become my new home. It is important for me to learn to transition, release, and let go of the things I can no longer control. I am a work in progress and look forward to the next phase of my life…and my 30’s!

My best friend Ricky and I will be moving into a fabulous house in Hillcrest next month. If you’re lucky, you might just be invited to our amazing housewarming party- which will hopefully be the first of many great new memories to come.

Ben Cartwright is SDGLN's Higher Education & Nonprofit Liaison and has been a campus and community activist in San Diego for over 10-years. His community involvement began as a student at SDSU and from there he launched into a number of other community activities. He has written for a number of local publications including Update, Hillquest, and GLT.