Editor's note: For years now, Aunt Johnny has been doling out advice to celebrity friends and family - bringing a little dose of wisdom wrapped in wit, sprinkled with satire and sautéed in drama to those who can't seem to get their act together. He's helped to prevent fashion catastrophes, stupid career choices and petty romantic theatrics to some of the most famous names in show business and politics ... all from the comfort of his martini glass. Now, he's bringing his celebrity and pop culture buzz to San Diego Gay & Lesbian News. With tongue in cheek, he's taking pop culture shaken and stirred. Then he's shaking it some more.
I had a bit of a meltdown after prayer group this morning with Pamela Anderson.
But in my defense, this has been a very stressful week for me - and every time Pam drags me to Bible study, I end up leaving resentful because when I read the morning headlines, I feel as though none of my prayers are being answered in the first place.
First, I hear that my dear friend George Alan Rekers (one of the founders of the anti-gay Family Research Council) was accused of vacationing in Europe with a gay prostitute.
Then I read this morning that the city of Oakland is moving to legalize cross- dressing. As a staunch conservative Republican who occasionally sleeps with men and dresses up like Beyonce for Monday night poker, I couldn't help but be a bit emotional by this damaging news.
"OK, honey, you need to stop your bitching," I snapped at Pamela as we made our way to Holy Communion. "Yes, it's very unfortunate that you were voted off ‘Dancing With The Stars’ this week - and you're very disappointed ... blah, blah, blah. You were robbed of the glorious disco ball trophy ... blah, blah. I get it. Can we drop it already? Why must it always be about you? I have several distressing items I need to discuss."
The Miami New Times reported that Reker's arrived to the airport in Miami in the company of a "rent boy" by the name of Geo. For years, George has espoused that being gay is a choice - and that it can be reversed. You know, like returning a pair of darling Italian jeans you bought because Betty White tells you they make your ass look huge.
As an officer of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), a group that tries to turn gays straight, George feels you can return your gayness and exchange it for store credit to buy pleated pants and ill-fitting turtlenecks like a good hetero. No one said becoming straight would be pretty ... but it's God's will, damnit.
Well if you ask me, this gay prostitute "rent boy" thing was all a misunderstanding. George told the Miami New Times that Geo (who advertises his "services" exclusively on rentboy.com) was simply a travel companion who was hired to carry his luggage because he'd recently had surgery.
I don't know why the media is having a hard time believing this. It makes perfect sense. Everyone knows gay prostitutes make excellent luggage caddy's. They lift with their knees and know how to handle heavy objects with care. The fact that the media is scrutinizing the poor dear insinuates that some sort of inappropriate relations occurred - and it's just distasteful.
To find out halfway through a European vacation that the hot young boy you've hired to carry your luggage is a prostitute must have been really awkward. How is one supposed to enjoy full body massages and bubble baths with someone they just find out is a whore? Talk about a betrayal. Who can you trust? I need to give George a call and lend my support during this difficult time.
"So back to me," I continued as Pam took a swig of the Communion wine. "I just read this morning that the city of Oakland is moving to legalize cross-dressing. How are we supposed to maintain clear lines for traditional gender roles if men are allowed to attend a Raider's game looking like Kim Kardashian at a Pride Parade? People need boundaries or we'll all end up looking like rejects from a Benny Hill sketch. I'm just saying."
I was disheartened to find out that City Council members voted 7-0 in a first vote on removing the language in question from Oakland's municipal code (instituted 130 years ago), in what at-large City Councilmember Rebecca Kaplan (who is also openly lesbian) called an important change given how such ordinances have been used in the past.
According to her, these laws have a history of being used as a tool of oppression and excuse for persecution against the LGBT community and people who don't conform to traditional gender roles.
Once again, we turn our nose up at 130 years of tradition. So when Rosie O'Donnell shows up on a red carpet in Oakland with a buzz cut and wearing a tuxedo, I'm supposed to turn a blind eye and not have her arrested? Sad.
We could take a lesson from our friends Down Under. In May 2009, a blind man by the name of Ian Jolly, 57, was attempting to dine at the Thai Spice restaurant in Adelaide, Australia, when he was refused entry after staff misheard his female companion, and thought his "guide dog" was a "gay dog."
How anyone could expect patrons to enjoy spicy pad-thai when a gay seeing-eye dog is wagging it's homosexual tail a few short feet away is beyond me. Sadly though, the restaurant was forced to apologize to Jolly and his allegedly queer dog in April 2010 - and compensate him $1,400 for his embarrassment. I suppose I'd be embarrassed too if my dog was outed just before spring rolls came to the table.
"I'm depressed. Let's refill our flasks and go bra shopping," I said to Pamela, taking her by the hand. "I need to get my mind off of the fact that this world is going to hell in a gay Gucci hand basket."
Pamela finished saying her Hail Marys - and off we went.
Love ya like looking for a new "gardener" on rentboy.com,
To read cross-dressing story, click HERE.
To read Rekers story, click HERE.
To read gay dog story, click HERE.