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Filth2Go November 13, 2009

"I'd like to see Obama naked. Someone told me that they worked out with him in a gym in Chicago and it was big." - Alan Cumming reveals his celebrity crush. Shades of Miss Lewinsky, n'est ce pas?

Mariah Carey and Helen Mirren - twins. You don't see it? Admittedly, I can't see Mariah playing Queen Elizabeth (I or II) any more than I could see Helen swimming in her bra and panties while singing "Hero" to a dolphin. And yet, they've been up for the same roles...kinda. Carey is earning kudos for her performance in "Precious", but she was a last-minute replacement for Mirren, who had to drop out due to a scheduling conflict. The first person director Lee Daniels went to was Jane Fonda. OK, that I can see. And then, without even pausing for a Kathleen Turner or Swoosie Kurtz, he went straight for Mariah Carey. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Some other "Precious" gossip is that Madonna was the first person to read the original story and feel it could be a movie. As flattered as author Sapphire was, the response was, "Madonna? I don't think this is her film." Even more ludicrous was an intriguing casting idea. "This one producer told me he had found 'Precious' - and it was going to be Brandy. Excuse me? I literally almost hung up on him."

Let me tell the powers-that-be in Hollywood that the search for the new "Captain America" is over. Scott Herman is your man...er, boy. Well, man-boy at best. Do you remember sexy Scott? He was the fitness/underwear model from "Real World: Brooklyn", and is in possession of one of the most delectable bodies around (his face ain't so bad either). Of course, I'm not sure if he can act his way out of a paper bag - casting him as "Captain America" could position the franchise as a successful series of After School Specials (if they even make those anymore). Hunky Herman dressed as "The Captain" (which is how he refers to the character) in some bicep and butt hugging latex. Scooter did a very funny web video about bartending at a Halloween party and how some people thought he was gay. Because, if you're handsome, have a hot body and wear lycra, you're a big fag! I have to say, Scott relates this story in a very fun way...especially when he makes it clear he doesn't mind his lycra being squeezed. We'll post it on BillyMasters.com - it's a hoot and it's hot.

Last week, the phenomenal Bernadette Peters raised over $600,000 for "Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS" with her annual "Broadway Barks" concert. The show, which was directed by Bernadette's longtime collaborator Richard Jay-Alexander, included a performance of the opening of "Into The Woods" and starred many of the original cast members, with a special addition - Mary Tyler Moore as the narrator. Bravo!

I'm having a love/hate relationship with Taylor Lautner. On one hand, I hate that he's in those God-awful movies. On the other hand, they give him the chance to be shirtless. Of course, I could just go out and buy the "New Moon Illustrated Movie Companion", which is a coffee table book (as if any of those tweens have a coffee table). I know you all have seen enough hot pics of Taylor - although, is there really such a thing as enough? Certainly it wasn't enough before these pics because, WOW, they are HAWT...as the kids say. Check 'em out on BillyMasters.com.

But we're not done with Taylor. He recently told "Star" magazine (so take it from whence it comes), that the key to achieving his newly-enhanced physique was constantly eating. And that's a problem? "Most people were like, that sounds amazing - to be able to eat all the time. And it is at first. But after a year and a half of it, I mean, I have to put something in my mouth every two hours. So it becomes kind of annoying." Fill in your own joke.

Many of you have written in bemoaning the fact that Matt Dallas was killed off of "Eastwick". "Is he really dead?" was what most of you asked. The answer is yes - and so is the show. ABC has already pulled the plug on the dud (although I was enjoying it). You will get to see all 13 episodes which were shot and that's it. On the positive side, rumor has it ABC is thinking of moving "Ugly Betty" to this prime Wednesday night position. If they re-hire the now-unemployed Rebecca Romijn, she could stay in the same time-slot.

"Eastwick" had it lucky - at least it got on the air. ABC is also canceling "Let's Dance" - less then a week after it announced the dance competition Kathy Griffin was to host. While the brass felt they had a winning concept - celebs recreating iconic dances in competition - they overlooked one key ingredient. Contestants. They couldn't find anyone to participate - which I find hard to believe. Was Tina Yothers busy? OK, maybe she was. What about Tina Louise? Or Tina Sinatra? Maybe I gotta get off the Tina.

Kathy may have lost the "Dance" gig, but she still has "My Life on the D-List". Bravo picked up the show for a 6th season and will run 10 new episodes next summer. The funny lady can also check something off her bucket list - a dramatic part. Yes, Griffin has been cast in an episode of "Law & Order: SVU". No, she won't be playing "Dead Crack Whore #3". She'll be a lesbian activist. The episode airs on February 10th.

Speaking of lesbian activists, "The Wanda Sykes Show" got off to a decent start. The ratings for the premiere were up 14% from "MadTV", and double Spike Feresten's numbers. Fingers crossed.

Since we touched on "Twilight", let's go to a vampire-related "Ask Billy" question. Steven in Lake Placid says: "You haven't written anything about 'The Vampire Diaries'. Those guys are the hottest on TV - how did you miss it?"

Miss it? Please - I miss nothing...especially when it comes to hot guys. Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder are certainly hot. And there have been rumors about both - especially that one with those eyebrows. That's the one who, like Mr. Lautner, complains that he had to add 20-30 pounds to his slim frame. Hate them all. But, let's turn to something we like - for instance, Somerhalder's penis. Oh, yes, we've seen it. And we're VERY impressed. There's a very explicit scene in the short-lived HBO series "Tell Me You Love Me" which shows quite clearly Ian's impressive appendage - and, wait, is he a little "excited"? I guess you'll have to check out BillyMasters.com to see for yourself.

When Kathy Griffin can go from the "D-List" to the "L-Word", it's definitely time to end yet another column. This week, I'm in Las Vegas and have a mighty full plate. Lily Tomlin, Bette Midler, Matt Goss...I'm in heaven. There are even some hot boys I'll be looking up - and down. Sure, you can wait for my full report in next week's column. But why not stay ahead of the curve and just go to www.BillyMasters.com, the hottest site on the web. No matter where I am, I'm still plugged into my fans (some of them have been plugged into me, but that's another story). Just reach out and touch me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Mirren is cast in "Glitter 2"! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.