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Filth2Go November 27, 2009

"If a high school drama teacher (who works as a dominatrix on the weekends) directed 'Frankenstein' in a musical homage to Paula Abdul's 'Cold Hearted Snake' video and 'Showgirls', it might look a little like Adam Lambert's performance on the AMAs last night!" - Michael K, DListed.com.

Last week, I had a difficult personal decision to make - the details of which needn't concern you (believe it or not, I don't tell you everything). While weighing my options, I was looking for a sign. Then I literally walked into a wall, split my forehead open, and almost gave myself a concussion. Later in the day, I went forward with my plan, and then wondered why I felt like I was banging my head against a wall. The signs aren't worth a thing if you don't heed them.

Adam Lambert had a similar dilemma - to go forward with a performance that would obviously polarize people watching the "American Music Awards", or play it safe. No one can be surprised at his decision. After all, Kris Allen won "American Idol" and no one was asking him to sing (although, to be honest, I prefer his single). Lambert took a page from the Madonna playbook - whether people liked him or not, they were all talking about him the next day. When asked what he would change if he could do it all over again, Adam did address my big gripe with the performance: "I would sing it a little better".

Last week, everyone was in a tizzy over the opening of "New Moon". During the media blitz, Robert Pattinson told David Letterman that requests to bite someone on the neck have not been limited to the ladies: "There was a guy, kind of, maybe 230-pound guy who was at the premier, kind of Hispanic looking, and he was asking me to bite him as well. So I did. And surprisingly, I kind of liked it afterwards. And I've been out to dinner a couple times with him since." And that concludes this week's installment of "Gay or British"!

Pattinson ain't the only "Moonie" getting attention from the boys. There's also mega-hot Kellan Lutz (in spite of that unfortunate hair color he's currently sporting). The gay rumors about him can be traced to his own co-star, sexy Peter Facinelli. Mr. Jenny Garth posted a photo of the pair holding hands on Twitter stating, "Co-stars caught holding hands. Guess this picture proves everything." Then Kellan added fuel to the fire, saying, "It's the naked one of us in the bubble bath that would really get us into trouble!" Well, that proves it - he's straight. No self-respecting queen would make such a lame joke!

Taylor Lautner is showing off his hotness on the cover of "Rolling Stone" magazine. Since he refuses to discuss any details of his romantic life (i.e. Taylor Swift), the interviewer says, "Another possibility is that maybe you're just sort of discovering yourself, as a young person trying to figure out his sexual identity in the world". Gotta give the mag some credit for bringing that up (not that I think there's anything to the speculation). I give even more credit to Lautner, who addresses the comment: "OK, I see where you're going. Interesting choice. There's a lot of rumors out there." Indeed there are. Incidentally, Taylor hosts "Saturday Night Live" on December 12th.

Howard K. Stern finally has one legal victory - albeit a Pyrrhic one. Months ago, he filed a $60 million defamation suit against Rita Crosby (as if she has $60 million) regarding claims in her biography of Anna Nicole Smith. In case you've forgotten, Rita alleges that Anna Nicole Smith saw a videotape of Stern and Larry Birkhead having sex (a tape I'd be mighty interested in seeing, by the by). The case has been dismissed, the terms of which will remain confidential. Which either means Rita ponied up the video and Howard said, "Keep it between us and I'll go away." Or Rita came up with $60 million. Which do you think is more likely? I thought so...

Brace yourself, it's time for a special installment of "Fayewatch". Ah, La Dunaway - where has she been? What has she been doing? Well, I think the easy answer is "not working". And not paying her bills. According to documents filed in New York County Court, the actress owes $1,920.85 in back rent. Of course, one doesn't get threatened with legal notice for being late once, or even twice. Apparently, there's a history of late payments and this is the first step toward eviction. Faye, pay up - the last thing someone on a fixed income wants to do is lose their rent-controlled apartment!

Speaking of evictions, Boy George is allegedly going to participate in the popular UK reality show, "Celebrity Big Brother". What's interesting about this decision is that he's routinely turned down all reality shows in the past. Why now? Well, he'd be paid over $300 thousand - and for someone with no income, that's a BIG incentive. Plus, after spending time in the Big House, the "Big Brother House" should be a piece of cake.

We hear that Anderson Cooper is thinking about moving into a new house - with his new beau. People in the know say he's been dating Ben Maisani (owner of a NYC gay bar) for the past eight months and they're now looking at condos. He's even supposedly considering making some sort of public declaration about his sexuality. If he could say it while wearing a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, I could die a happy man.

Our "Ask Billy" question this week came in from Thomas in San Diego: "I keep hearing that Emmanuel from 'Chef Academy' was a porn star. He certainly looks like he could (should) do porn, but he doesn't look familiar to me. What do you know?"

The reason he doesn't look familiar to you is because he's done straight porn. Yes, believe it or not, some people watch straight porn. He goes by the name Jean Valjean - which I assume means he's got an impressive loaf of French bread! His porn past was actually revealed on an episode of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", where he took an acting class with Khloe (fill in your own joke). Because you asked, I've been compelled to look up nude photos of a guy having sex with a girl - proving categorically that no sacrifice is too great for my fans. While he doesn't necessarily have the body of our gay boys (that's how you can tell if a porn star is gay or straight), he is handsome and well-endowed. Photos can be found on BillyMasters.com. But I promise - no vag shots!

By the way, my spies in South Florida tell me that the Kardashian's "store", Dash Miami, is never open. The buzz is that the space is basically used as a prop. When then need to film a scene for the show, the shop opens up, the crew herds shoppers in, and the magic happens. Then, when they have enough footage, lock 'er up.

When Dash Miami is the least fake thing about the Kardashians, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Since Thanksgiving just happened, let me take a second to thank my proofers and legal team - without their weekly input, I'd never have been able to do this for 14 years! But, most of all, I have to thank the fans. Trust me when I tell you no one is getting rich over at www.BillyMasters.com. But because of your support, we're having a good time keeping you informed and entertained. If you've got a question, feel free to write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Boy George signs up for "Celebrity Fit Club" - because he's so fit! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.