"I had five guys looking at my shriveled, burned penis. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I'm good...now. Now my penis is fantastic. One hundred percent recovered. Put me back in the game, Coach." - Channing Tatum tells "Details" magazine about a mishap on the set of "The Eagle of the Ninth" which included a wet suit, cold temperatures, and a kettle of boiling water. I'll leave the rest to your imagination - but I'll run an unscorched pic of his penis on BillyMasters.com.
I get inspiration from the most diverse places. I was reading the Christmas bulletin in church and was struck by an essay entitled "Christmas Gifts for Tough Economic Times". The message was that if things are tight financially, you shouldn't feel obligated to spend money on holiday gifts. You could, instead, offer one of the following gifts to a loved one: the Gift of Understanding, the Gift of Thoughtfulness, the Gift of a Good Example, or the Gift of Caring. At that very moment, the collection plate came my way. I thought of setting a good example and being thoughtful enough to give the gift of caring. But the usher didn't look all that understanding. It's hard to put these gifts into a dish filled with currency!
Then I read a story that women in DC who are picked up on suspicion of prostitution have actual charges pressed if they have three or more condoms on their person. The police explain that condoms are a factor - along with the suspects congregating with at least one other person. Geez, by those standards, I was a hooker in church! As the saying goes, "On me, not in me".
That reminds me - Cher is finally back at work on a film set. Now, she's not actually playing a hooker - she's playing the madam of a burlesque house. Of course, "burlesque" is a fancy word for a hooker who can carry a tune! In this case, the tune is being sung by Christina Aguilera, who stars alongside Cher in "Burlesque", a film written and directed by our own Steve Antin. Pics from the set have surfaced showing Cher and Chrissy looking fabulous. You know who else looks good? Cam Gigandet (who was so hot in "Twilight"). In the pics we'll post on our website, Aguilera is sitting on a motorcycle and is grabbing him from behind - something I'd enjoy doing! The flick also stars Stanley Tucci, Kristin Bell, Julianne Hough, Eric Dane, and Alan Cumming.
Kristin Chenoweth is busy, busy, busy. In the spring, she returns to Broadway in "Promises, Promises". She'll be back on "Glee" in time for sweeps. And she's also returning to "Oz". Nope, not "Wicked", but she's been cast in the animated feature "Dorothy of Oz". But she's not playing "Dorothy" (that will be Lea Michele from the aforementioned "Glee"). And she's not "Glinda/Galinda". She'll be a new character - "China Doll Princess".
Once Kristin's done with all that, she's going forward with plans to play Dusty Springfield in a biopic which she will co-produce! Lest you think Dusty's lesbianism will not be included, think again. Chenoweth even has someone in mind to play her onscreen lover - Kerry Washington, who is currently starring in David Mamet's "Race" on Broadway. "Dusty had a relationship with an African-American woman and she was supposedly very attractive. Kerry is a great actress and I think we'd be amazing together". Washington is all for the pairing. In fact, she ran into Kris at a restaurant and exclaimed, "I would love to be your lesbian lover." She continues, "It's very exciting. I feel like I've been waiting to make out with her forever." That makes one of us.
Speaking of "Glee", the hit show has been picked up for next season. And, since this is about high school, you can expect to see a few new faces. For those youngsters out there reading this column (you know who you are), next month the producers are launching a nationwide talent search for new cast members. Don't worry if you're out of high school - or well into your 20s. After all, this is Fox - the same network that brought us "90210". Heck, even I could audition! But I won't. I do, however, know a familiar face and name who is reading for producers. But I'm sworn to secrecy (unless you follow me on Facebook - and then you probably already know).
Logo has announced a slate of new shows and, well, I suppose I should muster some enthusiasm. But really? A second show for RuPaul? A floral arranging competition? Following stylist Robert Verdi? One may accuse the Logo line-up of not being particularly inspired, but you can't accuse it of not being gay enough! The show everyone is talking about is "Kept". No, not that trainwreck where Jerry Hall tried to find a boy toy. This is a different trainwreck altogether. It's a reality show about older, rich gay men in New York, and the young, cute boys who aspire to live off them. Why didn't they just call it "The Real Houseboys of Chelsea"?
As luck would have it, our "Ask Billy" question this week is about a new television show. Charlie in Seattle writes, "Did you watch 'Blue Mountain State'? My roommate told me it was really hot, but I never watch Spike TV. Tell me what I missed."
I did watch it - obviously not because I'm a big football devotee. And not because I usually watch Spike TV. But, because I heard sexy Alan Ritchson would be in the show. He plays the captain of the Blue Mountain State football team. On the positive side, I'm not sure anyone looks better in a jock strap than Ritchson. On the negative side, the poor thing can't act his way out of a paper bag. Still, he's funny in a quirky, spastic sorta way (and from the looks of things, his character is a little freaky, and possibly a little gay). Other sexy guys in the cast are Darin Brooks and Samuel L. Jones III (btw, Jones and Ritchson are both alums of "Smallville"). Aside from the boys in jockstraps, the first episode also found the freshman players getting shaved within an inch of their lives in a shower scene which is as titillating as basic-cable is gonna get. Because I know many of you missed it, I'll run some of the choicest bits on BillyMasters.com. Second episode, no real skin but this is such a straight guy show!
Could it be that Cristiano Ronaldo has replaced David Beckham? In so many ways. Surely in the heart of many gay men, but also in the briefs of a Mr. Armani. When Becks' contract with Armani drew to a close, the fashion house wasted no time in choosing the 24-year-old Ronaldo, who admits to doing 3,000 sit-ups a day and is widely touted as the "newer, younger David Beckham". Ouch! His pics are scorchingly hot and really do put Davey to shame. Check 'em out on BillyMasters.com.
Lastly, I don't really give a rat's ass about this Jesus Luz character. But I know many of my fans do. He recently became the spokesmodel of Mash underwear and also did a "spread" (I bet he did) for "Interview" magazine. I will begrudgingly post some of the more revealing pics on our website, because I'm a giver.
When I'm showing underwear pics begrudgingly, it's definitely time to end yet another column. By the time you read this, the Golden Globes will be a thing of the past. But my report from the festivities will be a thing of the future - which you can read about next week on www.BillyMasters.com. While I'm settling back into my Hollywood life, I'm still around to answer all your questions. Just drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I try to pay my taxes with caring and thoughtfulness - and hopefully I'll find a judge who is understanding! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.