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Aunt Johnny: I'm OK with gays playing straight on stage - but I draw the line at them handling my package

Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a fan of flying. Planes scare me.

Nothing that huge should float through the air like a sparrow filled with helium. And by huge, of course I mean me after I've spent an entire weekend doing nothing but eating and drinking with Betty White in New York City after her “Saturday Night Live” appearance.

From the moment we got on set at SNL for rehearsals, I was glued to the Kraft Services table scarfing down pastries like a cop at Dunkin' Donuts. Now I'm on a red-eye flight back to Hollywood, nursing a hangover, and slipping the flight attendant 20's so she won't bring Betty more Chardonnay. Seriously, she's had enough.

Looking up from her New York Times, Betty smiled as she read me the review of her SNL performance.

"All it took to reinvigorate a 35-year-old comedy show was the presence of an 88-year-old woman," writes Dave Itzoff of the Times. "The only real disappointment of the night was when the clock struck 1 a.m. and Ms. White and the cast had to step on stage to wave their goodbyes."

There will be no living with her after this.

Since the four Xanex I took to calm my nerves on the flight were not having the desired effect, I decided to put myself to sleep by reading Newsweek. It was there I read that Kristin Chenoweth is miffed at the publication for printing a column she called "horrendously homophobic."

The article, titled "Straight Jacket," by openly gay writer Ramin Setoodeh maintains openly gay men aren't believable playing straight men. He described Sean Hayes (of “Will and Grace”) Broadway performance in "Promises Promises" as "wooden and insincere" and referred to new “Glee” cast member Jonathan Groff, a gay Broadway star, as "your average theater queen."

So Kristin is all, "oh no you didn't, bitch!"

"I'd normally keep silent on such matters and write such small-minded viewpoints off as perhaps a blip in common sense. But the offense I take to this article, and your decision to publish it is not really even related to my profession or my work with Hayes or Jonathan Groff (also singled out in the article as too 'queeny' to play 'straight'). This article offends me because I am a human being, a woman and a Christian."

Betty's voice interrupted my reading. "The Chicago Tribune thinks I'm the bomb-diggity, too" she beamed, "Listen to this ..."

"Her comic delivery is still formidable," says the Chicago Tribune's Maureen Ryan. "The show would be smart to extend an open invitation to White to return as host any time, but given how in demand she is, who knows if she'd be able to make it back?"

She flipped her hair and pouted her lips as if she were posing for a photographer. "Damn straight I'm in demand! I'm a freakin superstar, bitches!"
I rolled my eyes and turned my attention back to Newsweek where Kristin was still opening a can of whoop-ass on Setoodeh.
"The examples he provides (what scientists call 'selection bias') to prove his 'gays can't play straight' hypothesis are sloppy in my opinion," the 41-year-old actress continued, adding: "No one needs to see a bigoted, factually inaccurate article that tells people who deviate from heterosexual norms that they can't be open about who they are and still achieve their dreams."

She's kind of right, if you ask me. His “selection bias” argument was a bit sloppy. But then, what can you expect from a gay writer? He should stick to topics his kind knows about ... like the proper application of glitter lotion or debating the cultural relevance of Cher's song lyrics. What the hell does he know about gays playing straight?

In my opinion, the article would have been more legitimate if it had been written by someone the popular majority sees as an expert on the issue ... like George Alan Rekers or Senator Larry Craig. At least these two flaming heterosexuals have a frame of reference for the subtle nuances of playing a straight character that is convincing and authentic. But an openly gay writer waxing philosophical on queers butching it up on stage? Dumb.

Maybe it's just my hangover talking, but if you ask me, the real issue that needs to be brought to the media forefront is gays being allowed to work at UPS. Why is that legal? Am I the only one who finds it offensive to have packages delivered by an openly homosexual man? When I answer my door completely naked, I like to know that the man I'm about to seduce is one that identifies as straight, but occasionally "questions"... or at the very least has an online profile that is blanketed with words like "bro" or "sup." It's a serious issue, and I for one, would like to see it on the cover of next week's edition.

When I looked up from my Newsweek, Betty had her headphones in and was rocking out to Jay-Z's "Forever Young." At any moment, I know she's going to launch into a diatribe about how she's going to lure him away from her arch nemesis, Beyonce ... with her disarming charm and giant "dusty muffin." So I took another Xanex.

Love ya like signing for a straight package in the buff,

Aunt Johnny

For years now, Aunt Johnny has been doling out advice to celebrity friends and family - bringing a little dose of wisdom wrapped in wit, sprinkled with satire and sautéed in drama to those who can't seem to get their act together. He's helped to prevent fashion catastrophes, stupid career choices and petty romantic theatrics to some of the most famous names in show business and politics ... all from the comfort of his martini glass. Now, he's bringing his celebrity and pop culture buzz to San Diego Gay & Lesbian News. With tongue in cheek, he's taking pop culture shaken and stirred. Then he's shaking it some more.

Additional reading

Link to Chenoweth story: http://tv.yahoo.com/glee/show/44113/news/tv.accesshollywood.com/tv.acces...

Link to Betty White SNL story: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20367870,00.html