"No, love, you cannot hide out in my basement," I said to Lindsay Lohan in a text message. "I learned my lesson about harboring fugitives the last time I hid Gary Coleman under my sink after he hit someone with his truck in a bowling alley parking lot. xoxo"
She replied with a sad face.
A warrant for her arrest was issued when she failed to show up for her court appointment where she was to give a progress report on her probation.
She claims her passport was "stolen" at the Cannes Film Festival in France and couldn't make it back into the country in time. She didn't seem to worried about being robbed as she partied on a yacht in the French Rivera though - which is why I had to put my foot down and refuse to harbor her fugitive arse to hide from the po-po. I had to teach the girl a lesson about responsibility. That, and I was pissed I wasn't invited to the party on the yacht. Bitch.
I don't have time for this nonsense right now. I've already spent most of the day repainting my music room after I came home last night from strip bingo with Elizabeth Taylor and Betty White to find someone had painted a giant mural of bananas and cherries in my music room. It looked like a Starburst candy commercial from the ‘90s exploded all over my walls.
"I've gotta hand it to Elton," Betty laughed as she observed the room. "Of all of his practical jokes of endearment, this is one of my favorites."
Though annoyed, I wasn't upset with Elton John for turning my room into a gigantic pack of Skittles. The poor dear did need to blow off some steam after finding out religious conservatives are trying to ban him from Morocco's Mawazine World Rhythms festival in the capital Rabat ... so I decided to overlook the inconvenience of moving all my furniture and repainting.
"Honey, lift with your knees," I said to Liz as she hauled a bongo drums out of the room. "The last thing I need is to have you throw your back out before you've had a chance to move the piano."
Anyway, the festival Elton is scheduled to perform at is backed by Morocco's King Mohammed - and brings together musicians from 50 countries. It has drawn criticism from Islamists who say such events encourage promiscuity and alcohol consumption, corrupting Islamic values.
"We asked the government to exclude this person from the list of artists invited to this festival. This man -- sorry, I should say this person, not this man -- is known for bragging about his homosexuality," said Mustapha Ramid, a leading parliamentarian from the opposition Islamist PJD party.
Ramid went on to say, "Morocco is an Islamic state where stages should not used to allow a person with such a degree of debauchery to perform because we have to shield the young from such influences."
The festival director doesn't seem to give a damn what the religious conservatives are spouting. He's all,"Elton John is one of the best artists in the world. He is great and extraordinary when he appears on stage. That's why we invite him and welcome him to the Mawazine festival."
Poor Elton. I feel for him. I wanted to make him feel better, so while Liz dragged my lifesize ceramic cheetahs to the middle of the room so we could paint the wall behind them, I sent him a text to lend my heartfelt support.
"Hey Kitten, it was so thoughtful of you to paint my music room to look like an bowl of Fruity Pebbles," I texted. "Best of luck performing in Morocco you pudgy shriveled up Piccadilly bitch! May you one day have the thighs of a normal-sized person. Besos! xoxo."
Later, over cocktails and a Hostess Snowball, Betty informed me that Lindsey's warrant was recalled a few hours later after her bond was posted. I was relieved. An orange prison jumpsuit would be unflattering to her skin tone and just draw more attention to the bags under her dilated bloodshot eyes.
Love ya like eating Snowballs while Liz Taylor moves my piano,
For years now, Aunt Johnny has been doling out advice to celebrity friends and family - bringing a little dose of wisdom wrapped in wit, sprinkled with satire and sautéed in drama to those who can't seem to get their act together. He's helped to prevent fashion catastrophes, stupid career choices and petty romantic theatrics to some of the most famous names in show business and politics ... all from the comfort of his martini glass. Now, he's bringing his celebrity and pop culture buzz to San Diego Gay & Lesbian News. With tongue in cheek, he's taking pop culture shaken and stirred. Then he's shaking it some more.
To read Lindsay Lohan story, click HERE.
To read Elton John Story, click HERE.