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Aunt Johnny: Hail Betty, full of grace

You may not know this, but I have been doing psychological screening for the Roman Catholic Church for years now - screening potential seminarians to make sure they are the "right kind" of Catholic.

And by "right kind," of course I mean, not gay. But as you can imagine, a career track that affords a slimming black uniform, dim lighting and access to lots of red wine - it's obviously a calling for many a flaming mo. So the task of weeding out the fags and perverts is not an easy one - and occasionally the Church has to call in the big guns to "sniff out the gay" in situations where a potential seminarian has a sexual poker face that requires a stronger hand. And by "big guns," of course I mean me and Betty White.

According to The New York Times, in recent years, the interview process for a man who wants to spend his life in the Catholic Church requires a series of awkward moments in order to rent a room in the House of the Lord.

Questions like, "When was the last time you had sex?" or "What kind of sexual experiences have you had?" are typical interview conversation starters.

If you manage to answer those satisfactorily, you move on to the bonus round of "Do you like children more than you like adults?" and "Do you like pornography?"

It is part of a soul-baring obstacle course that prospective seminarians are forced to run in the aftermath of a sexual abuse crisis that church leaders have decided to confront, in part, by scrubbing their academies of potential molesters, according to church officials and psychologists who screen candidates in New York and the rest of the country.

“The best way I can put it, it’s not black and white,” said the adviser, the Rev. David Toups, the director of the secretariat of clergy, consecrated life and vocations of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. “It’s more like one of those things where it’s hard to define, but ‘I know it when I see it.’ ”

"Does it make you feel aroused when I touch your leg like this?" Betty asked a strapping young would-be priest as she puckered her lips slightly.

"For the last time Betty, we are NOT allowed to ask those types of leading questions!" I snapped. "SO unprofessional!"

"Me? Unprofessional? You're the one who is massaging his shoulders and offering him martinis," Betty complained.

I didn't dignify her remark with a response. Everyone knows that interviewing for a new job is stressful - and getting into the priesthood is harder than taking the bar exam, if you ask me. I was merely trying to ease the tension of the moment.

Later, I was sitting in the bishop's office sipping communion wine while debriefing him on my morning interviews and trying on liturgical garments.

"Does this robe make my ass look big?" I inquired, staring at myself in the mirror doing my very best Virgin Mary pose.

He wasn't paying any attention. His gaze was fixed on a particularly riveting Adam4Adam.com profile online while he softly hummed "Like A Prayer" by Madonna.

"He's as gay as a false eyelash sale at the Mac counter," I said. "He knew the theme song lyrics to the ‘70s sitcom ‘One Day at a Time’ and appeared to break into a sweat the minute Betty White gave him a lap dance. He was clearly aroused by it - which obviously indicates he has a 'Golden Girls' fantasy. If that isn't an over exposed Polaroid of gay, I don't know what is."

The bishop still wasn't paying any attention. He continued chatting on instant messenger with someone whose screen name appeared to be "WrshpOnMyKnees." I assume it was work-related or breaking news from the Vatican.

"Anyway," I continued, "we cannot possibly allow such perversion to permeate the walls of this great Church. So I was very gracious and told the young man that we would keep his application on file, but that we didn't feel he was a good fit for our congregation. He seemed a bit forlorn, so Betty took him for Jell-O shooters at the Abbey in West Hollywood."

Later I got a bunch of incoherent text messages from Betty. She was clearly inebriated. So I assumed when she said, "Light a candle for my sins tonight, Bitch!" that meant she got home safely.

Love ya like confession shots at the Abbey,

Aunt Johnny

For years now, Aunt Johnny has been doling out advice to celebrity friends and family - bringing a little dose of wisdom wrapped in wit, sprinkled with satire and sautéed in drama to those who can't seem to get their act together. He's helped to prevent fashion catastrophes, stupid career choices and petty romantic theatrics to some of the most famous names in show business and politics ... all from the comfort of his martini glass. Now, he's bringing his celebrity and pop culture buzz to San Diego Gay & Lesbian News. With tongue in cheek, he's taking pop culture shaken and stirred. Then he's shaking it some more.

Additional reading

To read The New York Times story, click HERE.