I think we can all agree that I'm one who prefers to blend into the background. I don't need the spotlight. The spotlight, it appears, needs me though - and my altruistic nature succumbs to the call more often than I'd prefer, to be perfectly frank.
When I was invited to attend my dear, dear friend Carrie Prejean's wedding in San Diego, I made a promise to myself. I said to myself, I said "Butter Cookie," (that's what I call myself sometimes) "you must NOT draw focus from the bride ... especially a bride who also happens to be Miss California and staunch supporter of anti-gay lawmaking. This day is about Carrie. Dear. Sweet. Homophobic. Carrie."
As it turned out, I wasn't able to keep that promise.
My first mistake was inviting Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino of “The Jersey Shore” to be my date.
Well, I didn't really invite him, if you want the truth. He sort of invited himself -- something he does entirely too much if you ask me -- and I have a hard time saying no to a man who will let me wash my delicates on his stomach. Nothing gets the sand out of my satin g-strings like that man's abs. I'm just saying.
I should have known the notion to not draw focus from the bride would be a challenge when The Situation picked me up in a Hummer limo filled with his entourage of disruptive misfits. It was me, The Situation, Snookie, Lisa Rinna and Katie Couric.
The drive from L.A. to San Diego takes about two and a half hours if one has to make frequent stops to buy more booze .... which we did … four times. On our second stop, we picked up Vienna Girardi of “The Bachelor” -- who, for some reason was hanging out barefoot and eating Teriyaki beef jerky at a Circle K in Downey. She seemed lonely, and kind of drunk, so we figured a wedding between a gay-hater and a quarterback would cheer her up and amp her buzz a bit.
Once she was in the limo, I did my best to keep my distance. From the moment we met, I could tell she was going to be the kind of girl who was going to invite me to validate her suspicions that her “Bachelor” ex-boyfriend Jake Pavelka was gay just because he refused to ever have sex with her and enjoys performing in ballroom dance competitions.
I've gotten caught in that trap one too many times -- and the last time Nicky Kidman roped me into trying to seduce Tom Cruise while wearing a horse jockey uniform to prove he was on the DL. Well I learned my lesson, and the scars from the riding crop still haven't completely healed.
Fortunately, Snookie distracted her with a drinking game and before we reached San Diego, and they ended up passed out on top of each other clutching one another's breasts. This seemed to please The Situation.
The wedding was lovely. Carrie's breast implants were a vision in her stark white Ines Di Santo gown. She was pure as the driven snow ... if snow were driven through an National Rifle Association rally in Mississippi.
The groom, Oakland Raiders quarterback Kyle Boller was sexy as hell in his Zegna tuxedo ... and appeared dopey with joy -- as if completely unaware of the years ahead where he would be required to negotiate for sex and say farewell to blow jobs.
The trouble didn't start until the reception when Carrie seemed less than pleased that my "plus one" kept reminding her that he thought "married chicks are HOT!" while occasionally lifting his shirt and posing as if he were on the cover of a box of Calvin Klein bikini underwear. Strike one.
She also didn't seem happy that Lisa Rinna insisted that she understood this to be a "BYOB" event. And to Lisa, "BYOB" meant "bring your own Botox." Apparently the Christians don't think it's in good taste to walk around with a syringe between courses offering "a little freshen up." Strike two.
The venue was stunning at the Grand Del Mar in San Diego. The hotel is owned by an Internet chat buddy of mine, Doug Manchester. The gays unfairly boycotted his hotels when it was exposed that he gave $125,000 to the "Yes on Prop. 8" campaign opposing same-sex marriage.
I shouldn't have mentioned it to Katie Couric. She flew into a rage in the middle of the reception, grabbed a drunk bridesmaid and proclaimed that she was about to have her first lesbian sex experience in THIS homophobic hotel to prove a point. This also seemed to please The Situation.
"I'm going to have lesbian sex in every room of this hotel, gawdamnit! How do you like them gay apples Miss California? SUCK IT Manchester!" she screamed.
She wanted to tape it and post it on YouTube ... but I talked her out of it. Her and her causes!
That was obviously strike three. Carrie hasn't spoken to me since. So much for blending in. I hope to make it up to her at our next church book club meeting. The group will be discussing our latest selection, "How To Take It Up The Butt When You're Saving Yourself For Marriage - A Step-By-Step Guide."
Love ya like a laundry day "Situation,"
For years now, Aunt Johnny has been doling out advice to celebrity friends and family - bringing a little dose of wisdom wrapped in wit, sprinkled with satire and sautéed in drama to those who can't seem to get their act together. He's helped to prevent fashion catastrophes, stupid career choices and petty romantic theatrics to some of the most famous names in show business and politics ... all from the comfort of his martini glass. Now, he's bringing his celebrity and pop culture buzz to San Diego Gay & Lesbian News. With tongue in cheek, he's taking pop culture shaken and stirred. Then he's shaking it some more.
To read about Carrie Prejean's wedding, click HERE.
To read about "The Bachelor" break-up, click HERE.
To read the latest news about Doug Manchester, click HERE.
To read Aunt Johnny's blog, click HERE.