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Fruit Fly in the City: Notching the bedpost

I never pretend to be innocent. I may be naïve in some situations when it comes to the gayborhood but I’m certainly not innocent.

However, after a discussion with one of my favorite woodles (woman poodles), I discovered that my “not so innocent” meter just moved another dial towards scandalous.

When Cathy Orange asked me to do a Happy Hour iPhone app pub crawl, I couldn’t say no! It sounded like the sweetest idea. In a nutshell, the Happy Hour app will tell you which happy hours are going on in your immediate vicinity and till what time. Seriously people! If you haven’t downloaded the app yet, it’s time to hop on the train!

Cathy Orange made the suggestion to start out of the gayborhood and work our way in, to which I replied, “Yes!” Very rarely do I get to venture out in my natural straight habitat.

So, we started off downtown at Patrick’s II and ended up at La Fiesta, Stout, Dublin’s Irish Pub, Buster’s Beach House, Vin de Syrah, The Grape, The Local, some country bar I can’t remember the name of, some other place I can’t remember the name of (are we noticing a trend here?).

There were more happy hours popping up in the iPhone app every hour that we couldn’t keep up.

As we were enjoying the most amazing $3.50 Long Island Iced Teas (yes, I said $3.50) at Buster’s Beach House, we were talking about her sex life and the women she has slept with. I couldn’t help myself so I asked, “Uh … Cathy Orange? What constitutes ‘sleeping’ with another woman in the lesbian world?”

When she told me oral sex is the equivalent to straight sex, my mouth dropped in my Long Island Iced Tea and I immediately ordered another round. If I were following woodle rules, I know there would be a few more notches on my bedpost.

Which raised a question in my head: Are we all just making up our own sex rules and if we are, who are we to judge? I’ve always loved the term “whatever helps you sleep at night” and in this case, I’m sticking to the straight scene rules. I can see my angel wings appearing on my back again. Aaahhh, that feels good.

Orange also explained that woodles have the same obstacles moodles do. They also have tops, bottoms, top vers, bottom vers, so on and so forth. So again, I had to ask, “Uh … Cathy Orange? What constitutes a top and what constitutes a bottom? I mean, are we talking strap-on?”

Orange busted out laughing and informed me that strap-ons are just extra. My mouth dropped in my Long Island Iced Tea No. 2 and I immediately ordered another round. “Keep ‘em coming!” I told our server.

So, from what I understood (and from what I can remember), a bottom woodle receives while a top woodle goes down. Just a few other terms to add to the fruity dictionary!

As we made our way over to The Grape, she mentioned how she found it odd that one type of woodle can be attracted to the same type of woodle. She enjoys looking at a woman who doesn’t look the same as her. I explained that sometimes you can’t help who you fall in love with. It is what it is.

Regardless of what I had to say, she still wants her super “en fuego” lipstick woodle. Cathy Orange is a Scorpio, she enjoys long walks on the beach, and a fuzzy navel at sunset. She’s currently taking applications.

I have a newfound respect for my woodles. I never understood the obstacles they also have to go through. It just goes to show, you can’t help who you’re attracted to and according to woodle rules, we’ve had way more sex in our lifetime than we’re willing to admit. As for me, I’m on my way to Ikea to buy a new bedpost.


S.T. Fernandez, America's Finest Fruit Fly,

You can view this and other articles on my blog at www.AmericasFinestFruitFly.com. These are my documented experiences of a straight girl in the gayborhood. While I am a novelist, I feel inspired to make others laugh by writing about the situations I've experienced as a result of hanging out with my moodles. Thanks for the content, my friends!