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The Dinah 2012: Top 20 rules for scoring at The Dinah

PALM SPRINGS -- It’s that time of year again, when we book our hotel rooms, pack up our best bikinis and head out to Palm Springs, the one and only Dinah Shore event of the season.

Whether it’s helping Chaka Khan get through the fire, clamoring to see the L Word cast face-to-face, or looking to fly high with Nina Sky, lesbians from all walks of life join together in celebration of all things dyke, lesbian and stud.

But it’s the girl-on-girl action in which we hold our highest hopes.

Not all ladies will be lucky enough to shack up at the Dinah 2012, but we can certainly up our chances by following a few simple rules.

Ten sure ways to REMAIN SINGLE at The Dinah:

1. Stay in a room 12 miles away in Rancho Mirage.

2. Bring your ex-girlfriend and talk about how you are now bffs, but that you find each other utterly repulsive sexually.

3. At the pool party, jump in fully clothed and fully drunk.

4. Wear underwear that says "Dinah Ho."

5. Forget to bring cash to the events and mooch off everyone else.

6. Request “I Kissed a Girl” to the DJ.

7. Paste an old, stretched-out wristband together with super glue and pass it off as your own.

8. Try to be as funny as Fortune Feimster.

9. Name-drop the Dinah staff.

10. Borrow your roommate’s double-sided dildo.

Ten sure ways to SCORE YOUR DREAM GIRL at The Dinah:

1. Pretend you once met Angelina and she brushed against your breast (your date will believe it because she's that wasted).

2. Drink slowly enough so that you don't confuse your date with your therapist.

3. Pull your pants up.

4. Dance only if you know how (and have had actual lessons or have been featured on DWTS).

5. When it comes to Equality talk, keep it light. No one's kitty gets wet thinking about philanthropy.

6. Get a backstage pass to meet Chaka Khan (but don't make it your profile picture while still in attendance).

7. Keep quiet if you think you may have left your underwear in a plant at the lobby of the Hilton.

8. Stay away from Romi Klinger. She is not going to sleep with you.

9. Call the police if you think you forgot what gender you are.

10. Borrow your roommate’s double-sided dildo.

Emily Wilcox is a relationship expert and advice columnist who uses humor and candor to get her advice across. She is also the author of 100 Lesbians Walk Into A Bar, available on Amazon.com.

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